i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Randomize
