I feel great
I just peed on a car
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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