The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
