i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You pole danced in your parka.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
