Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
