Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
