just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize