Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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