there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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