I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Randomize
