If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
