I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I wish I only lived at night.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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