i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
