dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
