hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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