nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize