Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
