when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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