Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
