I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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