Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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