I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize