I think I died a long time ago.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Randomize
