every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
