I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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