Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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