He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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