I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
