Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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