It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
