I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize