I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
