Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
