I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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