Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
