Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize