Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
