Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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