So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
