what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize