I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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