we're chasing vodka with high fives
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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