i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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