I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
