I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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