you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Randomize
