It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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