Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
