____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
