I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Watching her eat just hurts me
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
