I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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