i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
