ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
