Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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