The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
