So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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