he puts the penis in happiness.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I just forgot I was standing up.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
