Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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