she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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