I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
