my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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