i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
