i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize