dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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