So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
