my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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