you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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